My babies here. BIGBANG's too cute for their own good. >///>

Operation: Finals Week (SUCCESS!)

Man, finally got finals over with~!! The week was my luckiest by far too~ Here's a breakdown of my week by classes and finals


Monday/Tuesday-

Regular old school days, nothing big


Wednesday- 
AP OATS: Mad dash scramble for granola bars (I only got 1, BTW)

Pre-AP Calc: Passed finals with an A and got a 90% in class overall
AP Chem: Passes finals with an A and raised my grade to a 92%

Thursday-
AP OATS: Somehow the conversation turned into hot dogs and Dr. Ploense promised to bring some in Friday

APUSH: Got the highest score in the class on the finals and passed with a 93% (and with a classmate complaining that she never gets to be the grading curve)
Guitar: Also the highest score on the finals and a 98% in the class

Friday- (a.k.a. one hectic day)
AP OATS: HOT DOG TIEM~! (We also gave one to Ahmann. Colton went in asking if she like mustard and ketchup, which she said she like ketchup and "a tad" of mustard. Then we just strode in and gave her a hot dog with ketchup, "a tad" of mustard on the end, and a star candle stuck in it. Her entire class started bursting out in laughter.)
AP Lang: Walk in with a hot dog (and a lot of questions from people in the hallway) and find people rushing out the door with pizza and ice cream. Apparently the class before won ice cream and pizza for a party and I'm lucky enough to know the kids in culinary so I got a lot of ice cream. (Damien was really jealous at that point.) Passed all 4 parts of the final with A's and the class with a 98%
Lunch:  Lost my precious hoodie and my right-hand "The FCI Prez" found it for me and sent me a note about it
Psychology:  The class convinced Jones to play the Harry Potter/Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. Passed the finals with an A and a 99% in the class. Spent the last 55 minutes re-reading Homestuck, which earned me a lot of "WTF" looks. At the end of the class,I was just headbanging to some Miyavi songs when I notice everyone staring at me and applauding. I was so confused, but I got "Student of the Semester" for my "dedication to Psychology and innovative Research and Experimentation." Hey, it's an added bonus.

Other: I had about literally 20 people complimenting my headphones and how "cool" they looked. Damien really, REALLY wanted them. XP

So in short, SCHOOL'S OUT!! I have more time to draw and everything now~ But first I have to clean up my room... It's like multiple atomic bombs hit it. T^T

Important Message

As many of you know, I'm GuardianBelikov1918 a.k.a. Byaku from dA or wherever you know me from. I've been thinking for the past couple of weeks on whether or not I deactivate my dA or not and if I should continue to put my drawings online. Lately, I've been hit by massive waves of art block and depression over more than a couple of issues; the main one being my poor cousin that's currently hospitalized...or supposed to be.

I don't think that a lot of people would like it if I deactivated my account permanently, so I've come up with 2 options that I haven't decided on which one to do. The first option was to stop putting my art online, delete everything but leave the account, and take a year to re-evaluate/improve my art style then make a reappearance. The second option is to delete my account and come back whenever I feel like coming back using my backup account or making a new one.
Either one involves a hiatus of some sort, but only one has a defined timeline. I don't know...... I'm just so conflicted right now. I've even thought about giving up drawing completely.

But for now, I'm just going to cut off all of my communication lines except Yahoo and Tumblr. Just because I fave something/thank someone on dA doesn't mean it's actually me. Sometimes I have Ciel (a.k.a. Major-Freakout and my little sister) go through and pick through my messages for me.
If you want to talk to me, my e-mail is vodkaflower1901@yahoo.com and my Messenger name on Yahoo is still Byaku. I'm practically on there all day long since I chat with Belle-chan all the time.
If you want to ask me a question, go to my Q&A Tumblr: http://askabrosomething.tumblr.com
My main Tumblr is only for random rants and trolling my buddies, so go to my dA ID if you feel like following me on my main Tumblr.

I'll be sure to update on what I decide to do, so check in once in awhile.

Sakura Viewing

This Is Halloween

So as I'm sure that all of you are aware...it's almost Halloween! Sadly though, this year I'm not going to go trick-or-treating or dress up. I just don't really feel like it this year. Instead, I'm going to be mooching off the candy that my little sister, Ciel, doesn't want~ Meaning that I'm just going to sleep as soon as I possibly can. Yes, yes. Horrible, lazy me.

This week has been really long. I mean it. It's only Friday and it feels like a Saturday in almost every aspect. I almost got to school late because I sincerely thought that today was the weekend! If only... To tell the truth, I want to drop out and just go rogue for a while. but if I did, I'd get kicked out of my house without anything. Now, that wouldn't do.

Talking about getting kicked out...I've been give $20 to buy a ticket to Forthcoming randomly. I have this feeling that my parents are trying to imply something here. Nah, it'll never happen. Although my grandma's all for it. I mean, she really doesn't care what I do as long as I don't get arrested. That's a great idea, if you ask me

As for my artworks, dA is being an absolute bitch so I'm going to post it on here instead. One at a time as I finish them all. Which seems like that won't happen until much, MUCH later.

In short, I just don't feel like doing much. In fact...I'm just depressed most of the time and I'm getting sick of having to hide it. I'm so tired all the time. I only want a break from reality. Is it that hard to leave me alone to rest? *sigh*

Bit Depressed

It's taken me awhile to realize this. I am aware that Damien likes to skip out on classes and the teacher's might kick him out of the class for that... But what makes me more depressed than that is the fact that he's probably the one person who understands me without having to say anything and classes are a bore without him. Damien's sense of intuition and maybe his 6th sense is just as good as mine, which I must say is quite rare. He also happens to be the one person I can't "read" as well as other. People are just too predictable these days and I grow bored quickly due to that. Yes, he's gone today...which I expected since PSAT's were yesterday.

It's Been a While, Eh?

I've gotten a bit lazy over the past couple of weeks, so you must forgive me for the lack of entries in here. There's only a week of fall break left, so I'm currently bemoaning the inevitable approach of school. I've spent the past week excavating the mess I call my room. I haven't made much progress as far as putting things away, but I have found some things I'd never thought I lost in the first place. For example, my Kuroshitsuji leather wallet and bag.
I'm still trying to catch up on requests and I'm afraid my efforts haven't made much of a dent. But I'll keep trying!

Arrivederci until the next post, my dear readers!

Ridiculous Ignorance

I have had absolutely enough of a certain person. Just how do you correct a Chinese person from Tianjin, China about her "dialect"? It just makes him sound and look stupid. I know how Shanghai is pronounced and I even know how to speak their dialect. Seriously, the Shanghai dialect is so bizarre that it's like a new language of it's own. Maybe killing something would make me feel a bit better. Yeah, an anti-China person would know more about my own home than I do. I think not.

Awkward Is Awkward

Honestly, it is. I'm pretty damn certain Damien knows I don't just have a "crush" on him but that I'm completely in love with him. But I bet he'll never feel that way about me. Now I can't decide if I should confront him or avoid him... But he understands me better than everyone else and I just don't think he's such a bad guy. A lot of people thinks that he's a fucked up, condescending jerk but in some ways, so am I. He doesn't question the scars on my wrist and he doesn't judge me as much as he think he does. I feel so reassured when he's just there, even if he's not talking to me. He becomes sad when I get suicidal thoughts and supposedly "happy" when I'm doing something stupid that he finds interesting.
My clairenpathy and precognition only go so far. There's just something about him that feel different from others. I just don't know around him.
His words in the last email he sent me for the day is kind of eerie... "Those who show the most saddness seem to be those who care the most."

OH KUROSHITSUJI, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

In Psychology, Jones showed us a video with a butler holding a CANDELABRA, NOT A CANDLE. I kept correcting them and they just gave me these “what the fuck is wrong with you” kind of glares. I also pointed out the “chain” on his jacket was the “Albert” which kept the keys in the pocket and some other things like that. Sebastian has corrupted my mind.

Random Poem

I'm addicted to the pain again
I manage to pull away from that demon at times, but I always run back into it's bloody embrace
He always welcomes me back warmly
He whispers sweet, but meaningless nothings in my ear

_{I hear that voice resound wherever I find myself}

Dragging the blade deeper, running along the many-times healed over scars I knew so well
But the crimson disappears into blackness, where I find myself floating
The scars are nothing to the scars of my heart
I'd much rather open old wounds that merely scratch the surface

Because my demon will turn the white to maroon then to black and I will hold him to me until my flesh dissolves into the winds and tides and my bones become nothing more than whispers in the ground
He is such a loving demon, eyes as bloodied yet glorious as any battlefield


No one will take my honey-tongued love from my mangled hands as long as he exists
Because he lives to serve me and I live to feed him
The pain is painless, and nothing has been more tempting or maddening than this

Life So Far...

Things have gotten a bit chaotic recently. Thanks to a certain friend, I have been introduced as "artist extraordinaire" to Mrs. Ahmann. This in turn led to a really embarrassing conversation in front of a particular person *blush* about how I should show my art work to the class. Luckily I didn't have my portfolio today but I'll bring it tomorrow to get the affair over with.
But I've been getting this sinking feeling that Damien's kind of getting sick of me. Maybe I should avoid him for the rest of the week for assurance... But his birthday's on Friday and I plan on giving him the picture I've been working on forever just for him. He still has one of my notebooks and he's keeping for the whole week. I wonder what sort of impression of me he got from what I wrote inside. Well, the worst case situation is Damien getting my real journal or finding my blog...hahaha......

And I'm really considering drawing the idea for a manga I've had for years. The only problem that I have currently is that I think that my plot is a bit overrated and I can't even think of a title that fits! "Paradise" is my best one yet but I think the irony might be to much. If I do end up drawing it, it will most likely be full of not-so-appropriate things like murder, torture, cult rituals, and much more like that. It's an assassin/demon story that is much like a more modern and gory version of Kuroshitsuji. Minus Sebastian of course. That would be cheating and I don't do that with my art!

Benefits of Being The Oldest Child

I'm going to be home alone until about midnight. Which is becoming more common as my mom searches for a job. In turn, countless interviews equals free reign of the house! The only downside is having to walk a mile to my little sister's school to pick her up in the middle of the hottest time of the day. But I have a brilliant and awesome solution~ I put the clothes I plan on wearing in the freezer (even my jeans) and I stay cool for about 10 minutes, which is enough time to make it to an air-conditioned classroom. At least it is for me. Did I ever mention that it takes me 3-5 minutes to travel a mile on my bicycle?

Embarrassing Scare

He snuck up on me today and I almost literally jumped out of my skin screaming, "Motherfucking hell!" during lunch. I'm so embarrassed... I must have seemed like an imbecile at that moment. I'm going to try avoiding Damien tomorrow.

Likes Me, Likes Me Not

I don't know if it's definite or not. Some days, he's all playful and some days he's so moody and doesn't do anything but e-mail me. On Wednesday, he gave me lollipops and played "Guess Who" with me. On Thursday, he ignored me and only e-mailed me. Today, he started joking with me again and shared Icebreakers with me. He also confessed how much he wanted to sit next to me during the ASVAB test. I'm not going to confess to him how I stared at him for the entire time I was done testing.

He's the kind of person that has to tell his own feelings. One reason why I'm never going to ever tell him that I love him.

Calm Down, Just Calm Down

I'm a bit more relaxed today... But I'm still going to catch the person who stole my iPod and throttle him/her. Honestly, they brought it upon themselves so I have a legitimate reason. The Freshmen piss me off so badly this year.

At least Damien's talking to me again. It was kind of amusing when our AP Calc teacher started yelling at him for not doing her work despite having already been done for a while.

This Is Not Overreacting

This is not me overreacting. Some people have seen me at my absolute worse, which is just a hair short on murdering the involved parties. The missing iPod isn't just the school's problem now. As of a few minutes ago, it's also the police's problem too. Yes, I have reported the theft to actual authorities.

I am not amused by this in the least. If this was meant to hurt me, then it has succeeded at doing more than that. I earned all 300 dollars by myself and it isn't just the material possession that I want. I want the symbol of my hard work for something that I was willing to put forth the effort on my own.  I'm beyond mad. I am seething with bloodlust and a need to see my revenge accomplished.
Not only is the theft upsetting me, but so is the fact that I sit far away from Damien and I lost my Kuroshitsuji crown cross.

This Is Not Funny

Someone stole my iPod during 4th hour and I am not in a pleasant mood. My iPod happens to be one of my pride and joys and one of the only indulgences I let myself have. Whoever thought that this would be funny is sorely mistaken and I will bring my own personal style of justice upon them. Which will not end well for the person fore-mentioned as the thief.

It's Killing Me

Not in a literal way...at least, I hope not. There's a massive lump on my left wrist and it's excruciatingly painful to move my hand. Yes, I am typing this post one-handed. I'm hoping it's just something minor, like a coincidental mosquito bite with a sprained wrist. In the mean time though I'll stay off typing as much as possible, lose some weight, and watch "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding." I'm quite a big fan of that show and a lot of wedding related shows.

Could This Be A Sign?

I'm so worried. Damien didn't show up at classes today and I lost one of my most prized posessions. It was just a decorative cosplay cross that is pretty much worthless but it's of great sentimental value to me. It was given to me by my childhood friend for my dedication to those that are important to me. She said that it would bring me luck and light in the dark of despair. And it has served that purpose for awhile now.
Today not only did I not see my loved one, I lost that very cross which has kept me through the times. Could it be a sign that I'm not meant to be with him? I'm not a very superstitious person but this has me quite concerned.

Just Slightly Depressed

Damien isn't here today and I'm a little depressed over it. I guess that I love him more than even I knew. I wonder if he dropped the class or if he's just sick/skipping. Either way, it's not helping my mood. Especially since his last e-mail from yesterday. "Who knows? So far you seem like a pretty cool person so I hope for the best." 
Is that good or bad? He was also playing with my dragon and phoenix bracelet and argued with me playfully when I "stole" the idea from his head in AP English. Damien even went as far to walk me to the stairs and tell me more about himself. Are we meant to be or is this a one-sided love?

Motivation At Last

I've finally decided to create a blog despite having the account for a while. Please keep in mind that this is my personal blog and I will be posting some personal things on it. I post things that are on my mind and things I just feel like posting. There will be times where the language is less than...appropriate. But it will stay to a minimum, seeing as how I'm striving to improve my ability in roleplaying the lovely Sebastian! I am one hell of a butler after all~